Monday, January 31, 2011

Day 63 - The Decline of Le Cordon Bleu

Day 63.

Don't you remember when studying at Le Cordon Bleu used to mean something? You know, back in the good 'ol days, when men were men and women were women (read: couldn't vote). But seriously, women's suffrage jokes aside, I'm talking about the Le Cordon Bleu of the 1940s, a.k.a. the Julia Child era.

Back when the classes were taught by real Fried Chicken moguls...
...and every student was white.
You know what I mean--Le Cordon Bleu ("The Blue Ribbon" in English) was the pinnacle of culinary institutes everywhere. World-renowned for the quality of teaching, as well as the degree of difficulty, Le Cordon Bleu was the crème de la crème* of cooking schools. Madame Brassart doubted that Julia Child could handle the stresses and pressures of becoming a real French chef, so it was a huge accomplishment when Child did, in fact, graduate.

*sticking with the French motif here

But now, it seems as though the prestige associated with the name "Le Cordon Bleu" has been somewhat diluted to say the least. To say the most, over-saturation and widespread expansion of this household name has caused the "Le Cordon Bleu" seal of approval to become completely irrelevant in this day and age. Don't believe me? Watch some of these cheesy-ass commercials. When's the last time you saw a commercial for a good school? Especially after 3 a.m. on Comedy Central?


I'm sure these 17 Le Cordon Bleu "associated" schools in the U.S. are all decent places to go learn how to boil a goose, but seriously? Julia Fucking Child went to Le Cordon Bleu. You have a standard to uphold, here. Can't just be letting every Johnny-come-cheese-grater and Sally-I-own-a-paring-knife into your programs. Plus, they have an "online program" now. Seriously? What kind of real chef learns the trade--something that should take years of intensive hands-on training--over a goddamn website? You might as well waste your time blogging your way through a famous cookbook or some other stupid shit like that.

Also, it's not too late to submit nominations/categories for the Julie/Julia Awards! Send an email to lawrenceandjulieandjulia@gmail.com before I write up the ballot on Wednesday!

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "She is not the only person I can't stand."

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Day 62 - What the Fuck is a Cobb Salad?

Day 62.

Two months already? Damn, time just flies when you're watching the same two-hour movie every day... Seriously though, when did this happen? Like, making it this far is pretty embarrassing, don't you think? At least I only had to cook once. God, I am a loser. 2 months down, 10 to go.

***

If you've ever seen Julie & Julia before or have been following my blog at all, you're probably already familiar with the ritual Cobb salad lunch scene. You know, the one that Julie Powell is "dreading, dreading, dreading?" Let me refresh your memory.

Observe the wild bitcho sapiens in their natural habitat.

Basically, the scene's sole purpose is to illustrate that there are people out there who are more conceited than Julie Powell. Naturally, these people are Julie Powell's best friends. Also, it's called the Cobb salad lunch because they all order Cobb salads with slight variations: 

Casey Wilson: Cobb salad, no bleu cheese
Ethnic Woman: Cobb salad, no beets
Reporter Woman: Cobb salad, no bacon
Julie Powell: Cobb salad no eggs ('Cuz she's never had an egg before! That's right! It all fits!)

I think that when Nora Ephron was writing this scene, she meant for it to seem insightful and revealing of the high-powered women's culture in New York i.e. they can't enjoy food because they're too concerned about body image or something. But instead, they just come off as bitches who love salads and conformity (she might have been going for that too). As a male with a strict no-salad policy, I hadn't the faintest idea of what a Cobb salad was, so I wikipedia'ed it.
"The Cobb salad is a main-dish garden salad made from chopped salad greens (iceberg lettuce, watercress, chicory, and Romaine lettuce), tomato, crisp bacon, boiled or roasted chicken breast, hard-boiled egg, avocado, chives, red-wine vinaigrette and Roquefort cheese.[2]
I notice that not one of those listed items in a Cobb salad was "steak." I mean bacon is fine, but what gives with the rest of those ingredients?

I don't get this. Where's the fucking beef? And what's all this lettuce doing in my bacon??

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm operating under the assumption that this is a pretty standard salad? I mean, I'm really not familiar with salads at all, aside from "Caesar" and "tossed." Fruit salad is a type of salad too, along with potato, I'm pretty sure. All I'm trying to say is when I first heard the words "Cobb salad," a bunch of shitty vegetables were not the first thing that came to mind.

Leo-DiCaprio-playing-"Cobb"-in-Inception-salad.
Clay-Matthews-ending-Kevin-"Kolb's"-season-salad
Corn-on-the-cob-salad

I just fail to see the appeal of any kind of food that isn't delicious steak.

Ignore those shitty "vegetable" things in the upper left-hand corner.

Plus, I can only imagine the reactions of the restaurant owners when they see Julie and her friends waltz into their fancy restaurant every week during lunchtime: "Oh, just great. It's those fucking dykes* who come in here every week only to order those cheap-ass Cobb salads again. That's literally all they order. Meanwhile, they chat away on their fucking cellphones about million dollar deals and pantyhose, while all of our other patrons spend real money to buy real food. Our business model will no longer be sustainable if we keep letting these entitled white bitches in here and allowing them to only order salads."

*Note: In this hypothetical scenario, the restaurateurs are bigots.

In other words, support your local butcher--BUY BEEF!

BEEFBEEFBEEFBEEFBEEFBEEFBEEF
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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Don't bait Father about politics when he comes."

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Day 61 - Screenshots of Julie & Julia Taken Out of Context

Day 61.

Below are some stills that I pulled from today's viewing of Julie & Julia. I have rearranged them, along with their subtitles, for your viewing pleasure.


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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Avis loves my sauce chapter."

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day 60 - Feedback Friday

Day 60.

My mailbag's really been backed up, guys. Mostly with pictures of readers' dicks, but there are occasionally a couple of insightful emails in there. I've listed some of them below.

So you know the deal. Email me, say a little about yourself/where your from, and boom! You're mildly famous! Also, still accepting nominations and category ideas for the Julie/Julia Awards--do it. lawrenceandjulieandjulia@gmail.com.

***

From Mike W.

So right, you do a blog on the internet right? Imagine if instead of
boring ugly racially insensitive words, you could do one post with
amazing beautiful racially sensitive(not much better) VIDEO BLOG!

DUN DUN DUUHHHHHH


yours relatively sincerely,

ASLAN

p.s. you may have read my email address and realised I am not infact
called Aslan, I'm sorry. I just wanted to be cool like Ayberk.

------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SIGNATURE (except it's not really a signature as I don't know how to
do those so I'm just going to type it out again :sigh:)

http://www.youtube.com/MZB1993
http://www.twitter.com/MZB1993

p.s. I didn't really sigh earlier, sorry about lying.

p.p.s are you even alowed to do p.s' on email signatures?

p.p.p.s or should that be p.s's?

p.p.p.p.s google says it's p.s's

p.p.p.p.p.s I suppose I could have just deleted all that and this for
that matter, I won't don't worry.

p.p.p.p.p.p.s although if I had deleted that you wouldn't of noticed
since you wouldn't have seen it...

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s unless you have developed some sort of...

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s ok

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s this

p,p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s is

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s getting

p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.p.s silly

TLDR!

Hey Mike/Aslan,

The 'ol extended P.S, P.P.S... bit, eh? A little trite/middle school for my taste, but you make up for it by pretending to have an awesome name. I happened upon Prince Caspian over winter break at like 3 a.m. and it was awesome. Mostly, because of this scene.


Whoever's idea it was to give the bear a mentally retarded-sounding voice deserves a giant fucking raise. I was literally on the floor in tears from laughter. It might have helped that I did a bunch of shrooms beforehand. And by "doing shrooms," I mean picking off all of the mushrooms of leftover Papa John's and then eating them all at once.

Oh and to answer your question, Mike/Aslan, I've definitely been looking into some video blogging options for the near future i.e. some sort of liveblog play-by-play commentary or maybe a one-man show-style youtube reenactment of the whole film. The reason I haven't done it yet? Need to work off all my extra weight for the camera. You guys don't know it, but I weigh 4,325 lbs and am permanently bed-ridden. Why the fuck else do you think I would watch this movie every day? You really think a guy who could walk and not have to wash himself with a towel on a stick would do this? Idiotz.

Mad Respect,
Lawrence

P.S. TLDR? I read that and I thought to myself is he saying "talk to you later?" But honestly, I couldn't even tell you how I got there. I'd much prefer if it stood for something like "tit-licking doo-rag." My two cents.

***

From Gina C.

Hi Lawrence,

I'd just like to say that your blog has conditioned me to see Mark Ruffalo and immediately think "totally should have been in Julie & Julia." Also, here's a picture of Mark Ruffalo (via Fashionista) proudly releasing his epically, awfully hairy chest from the confines of a hideously fringed coat.

Best,

Gina C.
The Magnificent Creature known by his Earth name as Mark Ruffalo
Hey Gina,

Wow. You'll have to excuse me--I'm going to take your email into the bathroom and I won't be back for like, 20 minutes. You know, just to admire it in a place free from distractions (and God's wrath). Thanks a bundle. And if you have any other Mark Sexallo pics, you know where to send 'em.
Mad Respect,
Lawrence

***

From Ari F.

Hey L-Dawg,

In reference to post #22 - Did you know that "Colonel" is pronounced "k3rnel?" We did, but we didn't know why. Now we do thanks to Wikipedia. Donate now, por favor.  They've reached like 10 million or something.  Also, we really want to see Spiderman on Broadway.  We def think it's worth all the injuries and death because we are essentially selfish fish. We mean, humans.  Actually, we mean spiders.  Seriously though - if you get tickets, can we come with you?  Thanks.  Also, We (as in the almighty) hate Julia Powell - we're not sure if that's how you spell it even though we've been reading your blog for the past 2 hours, but she's not important enough to look up.  Also, why did you put the kitkats in the microwave?

Thanks for reading, we love you -

Oren and Ari (Gods)

Hey Oren and Ari,

How the hell did you know my parent's nickname for me? When I was little, I used to go around smelling other neighborhood babies' butts and pissing on fire hydrants and thus, the nickname L-Dawg was born. That's so weird that you guys knew that! I don't really know what you're talking about with the whole "k3rnel" thing. Ker-three-nel? What? You guys are probably high. In fact, most of my readers are probably high. Note to self: figure out how many of my readers are high.

But yeah, shit guys. If you get me a ticket to Spider-Man, I'll definitely go with you. Look for me in New York sometime--I'll be the guy with the big glasses and dirty mustache, driving my rape van.

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, Rape Van!
Mad Respect,
Lawrence (Not God)

***

From Lily G.

Dear Mr. Lawrence Dai,

I found your blog a few weeks ago and I think it's hilarious and very well done. There's just one thing that's been bugging me and after hearing your NPR interview today (which by the way, was fine, really!), I felt like I just had to say something.

It's about the fact that you regret starting this project and you dread having to watch Julie & Julia every day. I just want to say: You know you can stop, right? I mean, all of us readers enjoy the giggles you give us every day, so we're getting something out of it. And you must be getting some good things out of it, like practicing writing humor and getting interviewed on NPR and, I don't know, learning about butter? But if the things you're getting out of it aren't worth the pain and torture that must come with watching 730 hours of the same movie, then you should stop, and not feel like you have to continue just because you said you would.

So I, on behalf of the Internet (because I totally have the right to speak for the Internet), am giving you permission to end your project if you want to. Really, it's okay! We won't think badly of you! We're surprised you've gotten this far, and 100 hours is an amazing feat in and of itself which you can be proud of.

You could even keep up the blog if you wanted to! You seem like a funny guy, I'm sure you could find other things to post about, though of course you shouldn't feel pressured to keep posting every day if you don't want to. Just an idea in case you're sticking to this project for the blog. But if you wanted to just quit altogether, that's cool too! You should do whatever makes you happy, is what I'm saying.

If you were just joking about regretting it and you're actually enjoying this project and your internet quasi-fame, then by all means, carry on! Like I said, your blog is hilarious! But I don't know, the thought that you felt forced to keep watching the movie just made me feel so bad and moved me to reach out with this nosy none-of-by-business email to a complete stranger.

Feel free to just ignore me if I don't know what I'm talking about,

Mad respect?

--Lily G.
 
Hey Lily,

That was probably the nicest, most sincere reader email I've ever gotten. Like seriously, I don't even know how to respond to that aside from saying that you are one heck of a gal, Lily G. As a world-renowned stunt blogger, I do feel a lot of outside pressure to keep up this stunt blog (at least until you guys get sick of it). That being said, I really would not be doing this if I didn't somewhat enjoy it/solicit cyber-sex from all of my readers. I really, really, really appreciate your concern and for giving the permission to quit, which I will definitely hold onto, but I assure you that right now, this blog is what makes me happy. Do I dread having to watch the movie every day? Sure. Do I loathe people without crazy every-day-for-a-year blogs? A little. But would I take it all back? Almost certainly.

But hey, if I can make people like you laugh a little every day, then my procrasturbation has certainly paid off. Lily G., you are my hero and my muse. May you live forever.

Mad Respect,
Lawrence

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "You have 700 pages of just sauce and poultry recipes."

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 59 - Chris Medina

Day 59.

Though I may watch the same movie every day, I don't claim to be immune to all other forms of pop culture. It just so happened that I tuned into a little show called American Idol last night (some kind of singing competition, don't know if you've heard of it), which was weird for me because I haven't watched Idol in years (or since Andrew Garcia & Crystal Bowersox were robbed last season). Anywho, I only tuned in because my good buddy Jack reminded me that they were showing the Milwaukee auditions and as an ardent supporter of all things Wisconsin, I was pumped to see them pimping the local scenery and landmarks. Needless to say, I was not ready to have my heart broken by Chris Medina.


I dare you not to be emotionally moved by his story. Like, I know people might say this about a lot of things, but that was literally the saddest thing ever. Goddamn. I usually hate it when American Idol pushes overly sentimental contestant narratives on audiences, but even their schlocky production values and manipulative teasers couldn't take away from how devastating Chris Medina's story was. "What kind of guy would I be if I walked out when she needed me the most?" Goddammit, that line just destroyed me. Chris Medina is too good a guy. Oh, also, he sang pretty well too. I guess you have sucked me in again, American Idol. After seeing that, how can you not back this guy? He's already something of an internet sensation, so the least I can do jump on the bandwagon (sadwagon?). His fiancée's foundation's website can be found here if any of you are interested in supporting these two. Fuck, this was sad.

I realize that this has little/nothing to do with Julie & Julia, but I thought it'd be nice to take a moment and step away from our ironic, snarky blogs and truly appreciate what we have in life.

Oh wait! Chris Medina! Doesn't that name sound familiar? That's right--Chris Messina plays Eric Powell and just happens to be the Lawrence/Julie & Julia Project's most hyped-up folk hero, Not Mark Ruffalo! I knew something about that name was familiar. So this story is relevant to the blog! Damn, I'm good at avoiding posts that actually talk about the movie.

P.S. On a less sad note, keep sending in your suggestions for the 1st Annual Julie/Julia Awards! Lawrenceandjulieandjulia@gmail.com.

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "My 3-year-old is more capable of helping."

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Day 58 - The Julie/Julia Awards

Day 58.

I'm not gonna lie. I've officially been swept up by awards season. And after Oscar nominations were announced yesterday, it's been hard for me to think about much else lately (aside from the Green Bay Packers in the SUPER BOWL). I've been pondering a lot of things. Like, where the hell did True Grit come from? Will anyone beat Natalie Portman's performance in Black Swan? Why was Christopher Nolan snubbed for Best Director? Who's going to take best picture: The King's Speech or The Social Network? These are the questions, people. So basically, if it wasn't obvious before, I'm kind of a movie nerd.

They filmed one of the scenes in The Social Network on location at my old high school. I will mail a dollar to the first person to email me the name of that school. Ready? Go!

And that's precisely why I need some kind distraction until the actual Oscars take place on February 27. That distraction? The 1st Annual Julie/Julia Awards, which will take place on February 26th. So take that, Oscars! You've been upstaged! That's right, an awards show solely devoted to this magnificent 2009 culinary drama. That's not to say that other films/actors won't be eligible to win any awards--it will just be more difficult, you know, because these are the Julies (I'm not in love with the name. If you guys can help me come up with a better shortened phrase than "The Julies," that'd be great.).

So without further ado, here are your nominees for:

The 1st Annual Julie/Julia Awards

Best Picture
Julie & Julia
The Julia SNL skit from Julie & Julia
Just the Julia parts from Julie & Julia
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (referenced by Not Mark Ruffalo in the scene where they discuss deadlines)
Soul Plane

This is the first-time nomination for Soul Plane's director, Jessy Terrero, and the third time Snoop Dogg has been linked to something awesome.


Best Actor
Stanley Tucci (Noted Pedophile)
George Bartieneff (Colonel Sanders)
Eric Sheffer Stevens (Gay PayPal Guy)
Roy William Gardner (Mr. Three Name)
Johnny Sparks (Johnny Sparks!) 

Best Actress (hmmm, I wonder who'll win this one?)
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep
Amy Adams 

Best Actor who Resembles Mark Ruffalo
Chris Messina (a.k.a. Not Mark Ruffalo)
Mark Ruffalo

Best Scene in Julie & Julia
The Lobster Cooking Scene
Every Meryl Streep Sex Scene
Butter Shrine
Cobb Salad Lunch
Meryl Streep Gets Book Deal

Lobster Scene, the undeniable front-runner, has been nominated in 10 other categories.

Best Meal in Julie & Julia
Chocolate Creme Pie Filling
Boeuf Bourguignon
Bruschetta
Artichokes with Hollandaise Sauce
Poached Eggs

***

And that's all I got for now. More to come at a later time. Plus, I want to open it up to you guys. Do you have suggestions for more categories or more deserving nominees? Send them to me at lawrenceandjulieandjulia@gmail.com. I'll finalize a ballot by Wednesday of next week and then we can do this thing for real. I'm renting a tux for the occasion.

P.S. Today, The Lawrence/Julie & Julia Project officially crossed the 200,000-mark in pageviews since the blog's inception 58 days ago. Thank you guys for reading and supporting me along the way! I owe it all to you! (and by you, I mean mostly me)

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Hot sauce from a reader."

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Day 57 - Oscar Nominations for J&J Alumni

Day 57.

Oscar nominations were announced this morning and I'm glad to report that multiple Julie & Julia alums made the cut.

I assume Meryl got nominated for something this year. She always does.

Actress in a Supporting Role - Amy Adams in "The Fighter"

I saw this movie last month and wrote a post about it here. She was pretty good, but I think her co-star Melissa Leo (the Golden Globe winner in the same category) may run away with it. I'm just thankful that this wonderful actress got to play a juicy role that wasn't Julie Powell.

***

Actor in a Supporting Role - Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right"

Yeah, I realize that our hometown hero Mark Ruffalo wasn't technically in Julie & Julia, but he goddamn well should have been. Plus, for the amount of times he's been mentioned on this blog, I feel like he deserves some recognition from this board.

***

Music (Original Score) - Alexandre Desplat for "The King's Speech"

This guy did the score for Julie & Julia too. So it's his goddamn infectious melodies that get stuck in my head every day after watching this movie. I'll give him some credit though--he also composed the musical score for Fantastic Mr. Fox, which was awesome (In my opinion, the second best score of last year, the first being Michael Giacchino's score for Up. Ain't nothing gonna beat "Married Life." That track is fucking dope.)


***

Costume Design - Sandy Powell in "The Tempest" 

Again, I don't think Sandy Powell had anything to do with Julie & Julia, but her last name is Powell. Also, The Tempest was directed by Julie Taymor. Julie + Powell = Julie Powell. Not rocket science, here, people. 

***

Best Picture - Toy Story 3

Thank God no one involved in the utterly mediocre Julie & Julia had anything to do with this perfect gem of a movie. The people at PIXAR are goddamn geniuses. No other film this year had me cracking up one minute and bawling out my eyes the next. It probably won't win because of the animation ghetto, but dammit if it wasn't the most heart-wrenching, gut-busting, purely enjoyable movie of 2010. 

Nothing - Not Mark Ruffalo in "Everything"

Fuck this guy. Seriously.

What a smug little shit.
***

For a full list of Oscar noms, click here.

Also, what the fuck? Meryl Streep wasn't nominated for anything? What has this world come to? I'm pretty sure Oscar tradition dictates that Meryl Streep has to be the star of every goddamn ceremony, which will be pretty hard if she isn't nominated for anything. Like, c'mon, Oscar people! She is the GREATEST LIVING ACTRESS. How dare you snub her? Let's see--what was she in this year? Oh... errr... just a three-episode stint on a web series called "Web Therapy." Yeah, you can totally nominate her for that. OSCAR SNUB!!!

But seriously, how was Meryl only in one thing last year? Somebody probably deserves to be fired. After all, what kind of agent can't find work for Meryl fucking Streep?

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Is it going to be like this every night?"

Monday, January 24, 2011

Day 56 - Butter Shrine

Day 56.

Something that's always bothered me--the last Julie Powell scene in the Julie & Juila, when Julie and her husband take their "pilgrimage" to Julia Child's Cambridge kitchen in the Smithsonian museum. At this point, Julie has already completed her yearlong quest to cook/blog her way through Child's cookbook and visits the Julia Child exhibit to pay her respects to her idol or something. And at first, it seems incredibly earnest and sincere. Julie has clearly been through a lot in the past year, so it seems natural that she wants to thank the so-called guiding light whose life story inspired her to do what she did. But this being Julie Powell, she does something sort of totally weird and off-putting. I am speaking, of course, about BUTTER SHRINE.

"What? It's totally normal to carry a slab of butter around in your purse."
"And there's definitely nothing weird about leaving it on this convenient ledge in front of this portrait of Meryl Streep."
"Yup, that looks great. I'm just gonna walk away now, as if I'm not an escaped mental patient."

My initial response? Awwww, that's sweet. Butter (and especially Julie/Julia's love of it) is a recurring motif in this movie. That was a nice callback and an effective symbol of the kind of relationship that these two women shared.

My response after seeing this scene for the 56th time? What the fuck!?!? Why that?? Of all the things you could have done to pay tribute, why leave a goddamn stick of butter there? Too cheap for a mortar/pestle? Or a boned duck? Even a gift card would have been nice. But a fucking thing of butter? Couldn't you have done something else that isn't fucking insane? Like, really? You're going to just leave that slab of fucking butter in this museum and nonchalantly walk away??? You can't fucking do that. You realize that some sad-sack schmuck of a janitor is going to have to clean that up because it'll probably melt all over the place and make a big fucking mess. What an ungrateful piece of shit!

These are the kinds of things that consume my mind these days.

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "This is Ruth Spungen. I'm an editor at Food & Wine Magazine."

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Day 55 - The Greatest Rivalry in Football (and Julie & Julia)

Day 55.

Anyone who reads this blog semi-regularly knows that I am a big fan of professional football, especially THE GREEN BAY PACKERS, a.k.a. the greatest football team of all time. Today, the Pack faces the very scum of the Earth Chicago Bears in the NFC championship game, which will decide which team goes will go on to the Super Bowl in two weeks. Oh, yeah and the Bears-Packers rivalry is the oldest and one of the most heated rivalries in the NFL. In other words, I fucking HATE the bears.

Jesus has been 14-4 in his Packer game picks so far this season.

And today at 3:00 pm ET, the Packers and the Bears will probably play the most important game in the history of this 181-game rivalry. Thankfully, I got my daily viewing of Julie & Julia out of the way this morning--can't have that looming over me while I try to enjoy what promises to be an instant classic.

That being said, I had to search for parallels between this game and Julie & Julia like I did with the Jets-Pats game way back when. After all, this is me we're talking about. 

Aaron Rodgers/Paul Child: Now I know what you're thinking--A-Rod is clearly more of a Julia-Meryl Streep type. After all, he's incredibly talented, hard-working and has thrown an incredible 10 touchdown passes in 3 postseason appearances. But hear me out on this. Without Paul Child's constant presence and support, Julia Child would be nothing. She's said it herself. And without Aaron Rodgers, the Packers would not be the fucking juggernaut they have been in the last couple of weeks. Greg Jennings may sometimes have to put this team on his fucking back, but Rodger's is its core, its fearless leader, its bread to everyone's butter. 

Jay Cutler/Not Mark Ruffalo: I know, I know. Cutler seems to be channeling Julie Powell most of the time. You know, because they are both HUGE FUCKING BITCHES. But I honestly think Not Mark Ruffalo represents Cutler the best. Not only is Not Mark Ruffalo also a sort of a bitch (whipped by JP, anyone?), but his inability to measure up to what people expect of him (to be Mark Ruffalo) makes him one of the most detestable people ever. Expectations for Cutler were high when he first went to Chicago last year, but then he fucking sucked. He's been marginally better this season, but the Bears' playoff run has been mostly due to their defense, which I have to admit, is really, really good. I just hope I can rely on Cutler to throw more picks in the redzone.


Clay Matthews/The semi-truck: I don't actually know if there is a semi-truck in Julie & Julia (even though I've seen it 55 times now), but if there is, then Clay Matthews is that semi-truck. Why? CUZ HE FUCKING RUNS PEOPLE OVER!!!

Clay Matthews, the most terrifying man alive, takes Jay Cutler from behind.

That's all the football parallels I can think of right now, but I'm sure I'll come up with more when the Pack heads to the SUPER BOWL in two weeks. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go defend this team to a room full of bears fans (the worst people on Earth). God, I hate going to school in Chicago.

ENOUGH BLOGGING--IT'S FOOTBALL TIME! FUCK THE BEARS!!!  

GO PACK GO!!

UPDATE: WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!
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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Oh, god, you memorized it? How pathetic"

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day 54 - Why I Should Stick to Blogging

Day 54.

Last week, I traveled down to the National Public Radio station in Chicago to record an interview regarding the Lawrence/Julie & Julia Project with KCRW, NPR's L.A. affiliate. I was scheduled to appear on Good Food, a show hosted by noted chef, Evan Kleiman, where I was hopefully going to talk a little about this blog, crack a few jokes and be appreciated for my status as a novelty figure.

Instead, I gave THE WORST INTERVIEW EVER, which aired today in all of Los Angeles, California.

It wasn't Ms. Kleiman's fault at all. And folks at WBEZ in Chicago and KCRW were nothing but extremely nice and hospitable. I am just a terrible live interview subject. I should have known right away that I wasn't prepared when the lady recording the interview in Chicago asked me what I was there for. The conversation went something like this:

NPR Lady: So you must be a celebrity chef or something, right?

Me: Errrr, no, not really.

NPR Lady: An amateur chef then. 

Me: Nope, sorry.

NPR Lady: Are you a chef at all? 

Me: Not exactly. 

NPR Lady: So you must be a food enthusiast. Or someone who likes to cook. 

Me: Sort of? 

NPR Lady: You do know how to cook, right? 

Me: Uhhh, not really... 

NPR Lady (flabbergasted): Well then I have to ask--what are you? 

Me (sheepishly): ...A blogger? 

NPR Lady: Oh, that makes sense! A food blogger. 

Me: Errrrrr...

And then I had to explain to her for the next 10 minutes that I was not a food blogger, but actually a stunt-gimmick-ironically-watches-a-shitty-movie-every-day-for-a-year blogger. She didn't seem to understand completely, judging from the weak polite laugh she gave me in return.

That's when I started to realize that I was in way over my head. I started to get a little nervous--after all this was fucking NPR, probably the most famous radio station known for serious journalism. So there I was, punk college kid/blogger/non-chef, sitting in this soundproof room, wearing over-sized headphones, looking like a huge jerkoff. The NPR Chicago lady sat across from me and adjusted sound levels as I just sat there looking at the wall, waiting for the L.A. affiliate to call.

I don't know if any of you have ever been interviewed via a disembodied voice coming through a pair of headphones while you're looking right at some other lady who's constantly shooting skeptical looks at you, but its fucking awkward.

Evan politely introduced herself to me and suggested that we just jump right into it. Awesome, I thought. What proceeded was the most uncomfortable, nerve-wracking 25-30 minutes of my life. Well, maybe it wasn't quite that bad, but I was incredibly nervous and it definitely showed. Having done a few interviews beforehand, I thought I knew what kinds of questions she was going to ask--but boy, was I wrong. As Good Food is a "food" show (something an idiot like me wouldn't understand), Evan, the host, kept asking me about my cooking experience, of which I have none, so I wasn't really ready to answer those questions. That also partially explains why I was stuttering like a motherfucker.

Also, personally, I think the best part of the interview is when it becomes obvious that I forgot the host's name at the beginning and end. Evan Kleiman, if you're reading this--I sincerely apologize for my lack of tact and interview etiquette. I just suck at interviews.

I blame no one but myself. I am just an awkward, stuttering Asian kid who belongs behind a computer keyboard, not in front of a mic.

Again, check out my horrendous interview with KCRW, here.

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Plus, it's close to your office."

Friday, January 21, 2011

Day 53 - Julie & Julia Reimagined: As Robots

Day 53.

So far, I've re-envisioned what Julie & Julia would've been like if it starred some Mexican guy named Julio, as well as what if the two leads were played by dinosaurs. Today, we'll explore a world where Julia Child is played by the famous robo-actress Juliabot-XR3000 instead of the ebullient Meryl Streep.

***

Julie Powell: Let's face it--I am not Julia Child. Julia Child never lost her temper just because something boiled over, or collapsed in the oven, or just plain fell through.

Flash-forward 1000 years into the future. Juliabot-XR3000 watches over the barren wasteland that was once earth.

Juliabot-XR3000 (robot voice): *Bzzztt* JULIA... CHILD... *Boop Boop* NEVER... LEARNED... TO... *beep* LOVE...

"You've been targeted for termination... from bland, untasty meals!"
***

Interrogator: Are you a robosexual, Mr. Child? 

Paul Child: No. I am not a robosexual.

Interrogator: This is not a joke.

Paul Child: I'm well aware of that.

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" does not compute.

Paul Child returns home and has violent robosexual sex with his robot wife, Juliabot-XR3000. 

Juliabot-XR3000 (robot voice): *beep* .... *beep* .... *beep*..*beep*..*beep* *beep* *beep* *beepbeepbeepBEEPBEEPBEEPBEPP* *BEEEEEERRROOPP* ... *beep* ... *beep* ... *beep* ...

10 minutes pass. 

Paul Child: Soooooo... whatcha thinkin' 'bout? 

Juliabot-XR3000 (robot voice): *boop boop* LOW... BATTERY... POWER... *Beep*

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "A republican would fire you."

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Day 52 - The Many Magnificent Manifestations of Meryl

Day 52.

I do realize that I've spent the last few days just absolutely shitting all over Julie Powell and her awful personality and in doing so, I've perhaps become a little bit disagreeable myself. Many of you have noticed that my posts have gradually gotten angrier and angrier over time and for good reason too--I'd like to see you watch Julie & Julia every day for 52 days and not get angry (actually, I wouldn't because that would mean I'd have to watch you watching Julie & Julia every day--and frankly, I don't think this world is ready for a blog of that magnitude yet). So in other words, I wanted to acknowledge and make up for all of the hate that I dumped on Julie by heaping some love on Julia.

I've said it before and I'll say it again--Meryl Streep, you are a national treasure.

Meryl Streep, charming the pants of some French dude.
Meryl Streep, effervescent in black & white.
Meryl Streep, making hats like a mothafucka.
Meryl Streep, going double duty on some stiff cocks.
Meryl Streep, showing all those punkass onions what's up.
Meryl Streep, proving that you don't need a penis to be a chef.
Meryl Streep, smelling fish like it's her fucking job.
Meryl Streep, being DELIGHTFUL as always.

Meryl, you are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life. You are the only reason I can make it through this movie each day. May you live forever!

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "I was only a file clerk."

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Day 51 - Julie Powell Says the Darndest Things (pt. 5)

Day 51.

And so, after many days of quote-jotting and snark-making, we finally come to a close. Part 5 of Julie Powell Says the Darndest Things follows.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the biggest, most useless, whiny bitch of them all?"

"You have such a sense of Julia when you do something like this, as a teacher, as a voice." 

Wow, seriously--I know you are full of yourself, Julie Powell, but c'mon, I thought you were making progress before. And now you go back to these outlandish proclamations of how you are "in touch with" someone you've never met.

"I have conversations with her while I'm cooking." 

That's actually a medical condition. I think it's called schizophrenia.

"And I feel like she is there with me in the kitchen." 

Yeah, someone needs to write this woman a prescription for crazy pills.

Reporter: "She's like your imaginary friend."

Julie Powell: "Yes."

10 years later...

Psychiatrist: "She's like your imaginary friend."
Julie Powell: "Yes."
Psychiatrist: "I am going to suggest that we start meeting for 2-hour long sessions from here on out. And bi-weekly too."

"And of course, she is the person I write for everyday." 

No, Julie.
You should write for YOU. Write for yourself. (Oh, wait--you already do that. And it's unbearable. Nevermind then.)

"Although I don't think she ever reads it. I don't know."

I don't know either, but if I had to hazard a guess, I would think she is too busy not knowing how to turn on her computer.



Oh, old people! This world makes no sense to you at all.

"I'm dying to meet her. I would like to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in 1946."

Again, what a strange remark. It just baffles me how all of these characters just seem to ignore these things that come out of Julie's mouth as if they weren't completely insane. Also, it baffles me how no one has punched her in the fucking face yet.

"I realize that would take an inexplicable episode of time travel, but that is the sort of thing I think about." 

If I could travel back in time, I would prevent the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations from happening (sorry Garfield and McKinley), give Hitler's mom an abortion and train an army of dinosaurs to do my bidding--but no, being a bridesmaid in Julia Child's wedding would be cool too, I guess...
 
"I read somewhere that it was bad form to say 'yum' while eating, but 'yum!'" 

I read somewhere that it was also bad form to say "FUCK YOU, JULIE POWELL, YOU SELF-CENTERED BITCH!"

"But she [Julia Child] said I wasn't respectful, or serious, or something." 

I don't know about the first two, but you certainly aren't something.

"There's nothing wrong with her [Julia Child]. Nothing. I've spent a year with her. She's perfect." 

Delightful? Certainly. Perfect? I don't know... She was
a woman, after all.

(I sincerely apologize for that last sexist remark. I do acknowledge that 90% of my readership is made up of women, and I want you to know that I consider men and women equals on all fronts. Now, if you wanna be a baby doll and go ahead and make that sandwich for me, that'd be super...)

"She saved me. I was drowning and she pulled me out of the ocean." 

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but does it not sound like Julie thinks Julia Child is her lord and savior? (well, either that, or a Mexican fishing boat)

"So its over."

Oh thank you, God.

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "This thing weighs like two pounds." 

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Day 50 - Random Actor Tuesday: Linda Emond

Day 50.

Today, I finally crossed the 100-hr mark of my quest to watch Julie & Julia every day for a year. And how do I feel about reaching this pointless milestone? Super, super lame. What kind of loser asshole really has 100+ hours of his life to dedicate to watching Julie & Julia? At this point, I'm pretty sure I've even seen this movie more times than most of the people involved in the production itself, save for maybe the film's editors or something (I plan on eclipsing them soon). Definitely more times than Amy Adams or Meryl. Not Mark Ruffalo might've seen it more than 50 times though. I can't imagine he'd have anything else to do. God, I hate myself.

***

Today's featured Random Actor Tuesday guest is Linda Emond, who plays Simone Beck a.k.a. "Simca," one of Julia Child's close friends and confidantes, as well as one of the co-authors of Mastering the Art of French Cooking.

Linda also frequently stands next to Meryl to further the idea that Julia Child was a giant.

I realize that Linda Emond is not really a random actor in Julie & Julia--quite the contrary, actually. She has a juicy part and is billed 5th in the credits, right after the big four heavy-hitters (Streep, Adams, Tucci, NMR) and I actually really enjoy her performance as Simone Beck. She gives Julia a much-needed foil, someone to really play off of, thus upping their combined delightfulness levels by a factor of 7. Emond also has some of the best one-liners in the film.


Some context: their cookbook has just been rejected from Houghton-Mifflin and Beck is reading from a cookbook that the publisher recommended they use as an example. The joke here is that the example cookbook SUCKS BIG FUCKING DICK and uses frivolous ingredients such as marshmallow fluff, further illustration the French's superiority over the U.S. Trust me, it's sort of funny in the movie (and I will take any kind of joke after 20 min of Amy Adams crying).

But my favorite scene with Linda Emond is the one where the three collaborators on the cookbook--Julia, Simone and Louisette--gather together to discuss how much authorship credit/royalties each of them deserves. Julia and Simone have effectively staged a coup to force Louisette out and to justify their actions, Simone just tells Louisette straight up to her face that "You're not doing zee wooork!"

The subtitles don't do the accent justice at all.

I only find it funny because of her bizarre intonation when she says the line (you'll know what I mean if you've seen the film). Her delivery is super French or something (I wish there was a youtube clip) and she inflects her voice like 5 times in that one sentence. To top it all off, she says a variation on the line (But she doesn't do zee wooork. You don't do zee wooooork. You're not doing zee wooooork.) for a total of 3 times. I think it's just the way she says "wooooork" that gets me.



I wonder if she does the woooork...?

So during each viewing, 1 hour and 25 minutes in, I always catch myself reciting these lines with Ms. Emond in a drawn-out ridiculous accent and it never fails to amuse me. Once you've seen this movie 50 times, you learn to take the little victories along the way.

Only 315 more days to finish my wooooork. 

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Jean-Luc is leaving me."

Monday, January 17, 2011

Day 49 - Julie Powell Says the Darndest Things (pt. 4)

Day 49.

Happy MLK Day everybody! In light of the national holiday, I thought it would be best to ignore the blatant racism and discrimination in Julie & Julia and continue on with part 4 of Julie Powell Says the Darndest Things. As the great Martin Luther King Jr. once dreamed, today we live in a nation where food bloggers are not judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. And the content of Julie Powell's character is pretty bleh.

"And another thing... Eggs do not taste like cheese sauce."

"Me, Judith Jones, happily ever after."

I don't get it. Judith Jones is like a 90-year-old woman. She was the one who discovered and published The Diary of Anne Frank for God's sake. Do you honestly think this "happily ever after" of yours is going to last more than 5-10 years, if that? Count your blessings, Julie. You have a perfectly good husband who bears a striking resemblance to the ruggedly handsome Mark Ruffalo. I just don't see how you plan on having a long-lasting relationship with this Judith Jones lady. Unless you are just milking her for a book deal, which would make you a terrible person. And you're not a terrible person, are you?

"And then we'd have a little money and we wouldn't have to live over a pizzeria for the rest of our lives." 

 So you are using the old lady for a book deal! You are a terrible person, Julie Powell.

"How am I going to explain this? My readers are going to be really upset. They were so into it." 

They probably weren't that upset. Or into it, for that matter.

"You almost let me feed Judith Jones bland boeuf bourguignon."

You almost let me watch this entire movie without angrily shaking my fist at the screen. Almost.

Awwwww, Judith Jones. You are so adorably old and feeble.

Julie Powell: "Okay, maybe I'm being a little narcissistic."
Not Mark Ruffalo: "A little? On a scale of 1 to 10?"
Julie Powell: "Okay, a 9.3. But what do you think a blog is? It's me, me, me, day after day."

God, I hate this woman. Especially how she realizes how self-absorbed she is, yet does nothing to resolve it. I mean, I love feeding my ego via blogging as much as the next guy, but yeesh.


Julie Powell's Blog Entry: "And then on top of everything, I had a horrible fight with my husband and he left me." 

C'mon. Don't blog about that. Totally not cool.

*Julie Powell deletes previous line from blog entry.*

Ahhhh, a true moment of humanization! Maybe you are capable of thinking of someone other than yourself after all! I can feel some sympathy for you now. Not much, but some.

"I am, Sarah. I am a bitch." 

That was the smartest, most insightful thing you've said this entire movie. Bravo.

"I am a one-way street, just like Eric says." 

More self-realization! Julie Powell, you are on a roll, redemption-wise. 

"Do you really think I'm a bitch?" 

YES. Gosh, and I thought you were making all this progress. 

"I've been thinking about me and Julia."

 Really? I hadn't noticed.

"She was a secretary for a government agency and I am, too. A really nice guy married her. A really nice guy married me."

You can say that again. 

"Both of us were lost, and both of us were saved by food in one way or another. So major overlaps, but let's face it--I am not Julia Child." 

DING DING DING DING DING!!! Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epiphany.

T-Pain: The Modern-Day MLK

"Julia Child never lost her temper just because something boiled over, or collapsed in the oven, or just plain fell through." 

Well to be fair, that's because Julia Child was an actual chef. But I apologize for ruining your redeeming moment of clarity, JP. Go on. 

"And she was never horrible to her husband, I'm sure. And she never behaved like 'Who has time to be married?' which is how I behave sometime, I'm sorry to say.'" 

Wow, you're really doing quite well at this "identifying your major flaws" thing. I'm actually impressed. 

"I wish I was more like her. She deserved her husband and I don't. That's the truth." 

Amen to that, sister! 

"Well anyway, that's the truth for now." 

Noooooo, don't qualify this moment of self-realization with a cop-out "that's the truth for now" bit. C'mon, you were doing so well! You had nearly won me over. Dammit, Julie. Why do you always inevitably disappoint me? 

"Yogurt for dinner."

I like yogurt.

Yogurt? For dinner? Oh man, your mom must let you do all sortsa of cool junk!

(To be continued/concluded on Wednesday...)

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "She'll be here. Wearing a plaid jacket."

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Day 48 - Julie Powell Says the Darndest Things (pt. 3)

Day 48.

When I set out to capture every stupid, trivial thing that Julie Powell says in this film, I really did not think there would be so much material to work with. But then I was like, "Wait, I have seen this movie 48 times. Of course there is a lot of material to work with. Julie Powell is an idiot." So read on for Part 3 of Julie Powell Says the Darndest Things.

God, she looks stupid.

"An aspic is sort of a beef-flavored Jell-O mold." 

And an ass pic is a picture of someone's ass. 

"And all I can say about that, no offense Julia, is the bitch lied." 

How dare you call Julia Child a lying bitch? Who the fuck do you think you are, Julie Powell? You are a blogger--the lowest of the low, the scum of the Earth. I really cant think of anything I despise more than bloggers. 

Not Mark Ruffalo: "You could lie."
Julie Powell: "I can't. I just can't. Julia will know. It's like she's watching me. I'm under her influence. I'm becoming a much better person because of her." 

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but does it not sound like Julie thinks Julia Child is her lord and savior? (well, either that, or her parole officer)

"It's no wonder my mold fell apart. I don't suppose we have any Drano."

You was going to put Drano in your mold? I'm pretty sure that shit is not made for consumption. 

"I do all of this and I'm supposed to buy Drano, too?" 

What exactly is "all of this?" Whining incessantly? Ignoring your loving husband? Abusing your cat? 

"What if I don't make my deadline, Eric? I'll have wasted a whole year of my life."

 I think you'll have wasted a year of your life, regardless. I know the feeling. 

"I used to be thin and now I'm getting fat."

 Oh, that's funny--I used to enjoy this movie and now I don't. Also, I'm getting fat. 

"On top of which, I have to bone a whole duck." 

Is that even legal? I'm pretty sure today's society frowns upon bestiality for the most part.

 "Can you even conceive of boning a duck?" 

No, but this dog can.


The internet is awesome.

"This is crazy. I can't even truss." 

This is crazy. I don't even care.

 "And I cried like a small, emotionally disturbed child." 

Opposed to all those other times where you cried like a large, emotionally stable adult...

 "I almost feel as if Julia and I are communicating over space and time on a deep, spiritual, mystical level." 

*cocks gun* *puts barrel in mouth* 

"Although, mostly, I'm just talking to myself." 

*puts down gun* What? Self-awareness? From Julie Powell? Is there hope for her after all? 

"I thought, I really did think, I just did. I thought 'book contract.'" 

Nope. 

(To be continued...)

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "I'm going to go buy some bread."