Day 362 - Blog Posts I Will Never Write

Day 362.

There are officially only 3 days left of the Lawrence/Julie & Julia Project and I'm realizing that even though I've had almost an entire year to wax lyrical on Julie & Julia, I will never have the time I need to truly plumb the depths of this dense film.

And seeing as I'm pretty much out of time, I thought I'd share some of my left-over blog post ideas with you all--things that have been sitting in a word doc collecting dust--remnants of a time where I used to be excited about doing this thing... a time where I was still a whole man, and not the empty shell I am today.

And yes, I realize that a lot of these ideas would've been better than "Julie & Julia Re-Imagined as Deaf-Mutes," but hey, what do you want me to do? Watching a 2-hour movie every day takes time and energy. 2 hours of time and 9 hours of energy to be exact. Anyways, feel free to use these ideas for your own Julie & Julia blogs:

• Talk about how watching Julie & Julia every day has affected my perception of French people e.g. "None of them are wearing berets and horizontally striped black and white shirts!"
• Write a song about Julie & Julia, play/sing it, rake in royalties 
• Choreograph an interpretive Julie & Julia-themed dance, remake Black Swan with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams, but only record the cunnilingus scene
• Paint a portrait of Julie & Julia, then superimpose myself into the painting
• Julie & Julia in a post-modern context (I was going to do this one, but I never figured out what I actually meant when I came up with the idea)
• Begin a fashion line inspired by Julie/Julia, call it "Butter"
• Sew an embroidered/cross-stitching about Julie & Julia 
• Totally bogus inaccuracies and bloopers in Julie & Julia (this probably could have been funny. oh well)
• Sculpt some sort of ceramic pottery that has to do with Julie & Julia, done in the style of Ghost, with me as Demi and Stanley Tucci as Swayze

 

• Invent my own recipe with the worst/best items used in Julie & Julia (I probably actually should have done this one)
• Go to work dressed like Julie and/or Julia
• Spend a day dressed like Julie/Julia
• Do other famous movies if they were about blogs – if The Godfather was filmed as a dual-narrative about an old mafia family killing people and a modern-day blogger killing people in honor of Don Corleone.
• Julie & Julia: A case for women staying in the kitchen (back when I wanted to alienate my entire readership)
• Dialogue type things where it's Amy Adams' character from other movies placed into Julie & Julia (this also could have been funny, but would've required me to watch other Amy Adams movies... too much Amy Adams)
• Talk about how Linda Emond, the actress who plays Simca, is one of the few people to have been in all four original Law & Order franchise shows (Law & Order, L&O: SVU, L&O: Criminal Intent, and L&O: Trial by Jury)
• Do a lesbian reading/interpretation of Julie & Julia, film a lesbian porn based on said reading/interpretation, jack off to own reading/interpretation
• Start making hats
• Start playing bridge
• Visit Julia Child's grave, place butter on it as a tribute a la Julie
• Churn my own butter to place on Julia Child's grave
• Dig Julie Powell's grave
• Pre-emptively pee on the grave I've dug for Julie Powell
• Live-stream my final viewing, which concludes with me shooting myself in the head

Damn. These are all pretty good ideas for posts. I probably should have worked harder and found the time do these. Fuck that, though. Someone else can take up my mantle. I'm out of this J&J game. For good. I guess I can still do that last one...

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Julie & Julia Quote of the Day: "He spent three days being grilled in a windowless room with a foot-high stack of papers ominously sitting on the table."