Monday, October 31, 2011

Day 336 - Halloween

Day 336.

Today was Halloween. Does anyone even have to guess what my costume was?



Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "It's crazy. It's crazy. Is it crazy?" 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Day 335 - Revisiting the Julie & Julia Trailer

Day 335.

Though I'm sure we've probably talked about the trailer for Julie & Julia on the L/J&J project before, I haven't had the chance to revisit it, until now.



Read on if you want to compare the two posts and see whether or not I'm actually crazy.

Oh wow, okay--a few things. The trailer is good! Or at least, it's like fun, light and interesting. Which is what Julie & Julia should be! In fact, this trailer was one of the first things that drew me to this movie back when I saw it in... 2008 maybe? I don't know, I just remember that the whole blog-365-days-a-year premise was still pretty novel to me back then. It is no longer novel to me now.

Anyways, some things I noticed:

0:00 - 0:25: Leading off with the Julia Child material was the best decision they made here. Meryl at her Meryl-i-est. Got in a few good lines from the Tucc-Streep conversation. "What is it you really like to do?" "EAT!" Simply delightful, plus at this point, they've already got the fat demo under their belt. After, of course, they loosen their belts. I could definitely do without the Julie Powell voiceover though. That's just a general rule of thumb, really.

0:25 - 0:30: "But what does Julia Child have to do with me, lowly cubicle worker Julie Powell?" Ummm, nothing. There you go. I just saved you 2 more minutes of having to watch this trailer (plus, 2 more hours of having to watch this movie).

0:30 - 0:45: Mostly crap, but funny whip-pan sound effect used in the transition above. It's just comical that a supposedly somewhat serious film would use that in their trailer. Oh, who am I kidding? This movie was never supposed to be serious.


So we have some new information to process here. Julie Powell is worried about being "lost." Not Mark Ruffalo still loves to crack wise when his wife is bitching about this or that. And Showtime bought Annabelle's blog for a miniseries. Well, I certainly didn't know that--and I watched this movie 335 times! I wonder why they cut this part out of the final movie. Probably because this was the miniseries based off Annabelle's blog:

0:53 - 1:04: Cue cheery uplifting music and cheesy title card text! Also, does anyone know what song this is? The internet seems to think that it's Merry Happy by Kate Nash, but it doesn't really sound like it...

1:04 - 1:25: I actually really like these series of goofy superimposed "this is someone typing something out" text, if for nothing else but the screencaps below.

1:25 - 2:30: Gaaaah this trailer is sooo long... Jesus, I'm bored. HOW DO YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO WATCH THIS TRAILER WHEN IT'S 2 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS LONG!! Hey, makers of Julie & Juila--do you have any idea of how short people's attention spans are nowadays??

Clearly, you do not.


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Julia Child said, "I noticed your legs straightaway."

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Day 334 - How Hot is a Stiff Cock Exactly?

Day 334.

We all know the scene--Julia Child has fallen completely in love with cooking and she can't contain her excitement. Paul writes to his brother Charlie:
Dear Charlie,
Julia in front of her stove has the same fascination for me as watching a kettle drummer at the symphony. The oven door opens and shuts so fast, you hardly notice the deft thrust of a spoon as she dips into a casserole, and up to her mouth for a taste check like a perfectly-timed double beat on the drums. Then with her bare fingers, she snatches a set of cannelloni out of the pot of boiling water, and she cries, "These damn things are as hot as a stiff cock."


But, I have one lingering question... Just how hot is a stiff cock exactly?

I ventured to the internet to find out, but soon realized I wasn't going to find out what I wanted by Googling "How hot is a stiff cock?"

Here's what I did find. At least the last result was relevant.
Or maybe they were all relevant... Only one way to find out.

So then I realized I had to make a few assumptions... like the temperature of a stiff cock would be similar to the temperature of the stuff inside it.

Oh You truly do have an answer for everything! Well, everything except "How hot is a stiff cock." No matter though. From this we can deduce that:

Stiff cocks are at least 98.6° F

...or normal body temperature, which compared to boiling cannelloni water (212° F) doesn't actually seem that hot.

So technically, by saying "These damn things are as hot as a stiff cock," Julia is actually saying that these cock-like things in her hands aren't that hot at all. Or at least they are less hot than the boiling water from whence they came (haha, came).

So what have we learned from all of this? Either Stanley Tucci ejaculates boiling hot semen or Julia Child's similes are all shock and no substance.

Still though--"Hot as a stiff cock?" Never not funny. I forgive you for your factual inaccuracies, Julia Child. As long as those stiff cocks keep coming out of your mouth.


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Julia Child said, "Hot as a...?"

Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 333 - Blogging Faces

Day 333.

What Julie Powell Looks Like Blogging

Julie Powell Blogging


What I Look Like Blogging

Me Blogging


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "This is Ken Dryer. I'm an editor at Random House, and I just read your blog and it's great."

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Day 332 - How I Usually Begin Each Viewing of Julie & Julia

Day 332.

So yesterday, I gave you guys a glimpse of how I usually end my viewings of Julie & Julia. Today, I will tell you how I begin them.


With panache!

What, did you think I was gonna put on a wig and sing for you again? I'm not your dancing monkey. Or singing monkey, I guess. I'm no one's monkey.


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Ta-da."

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Day 331 - How I Usually End Each Viewing of Julie & Julia

Day 331. 

Today, I thought I'd let you guys get a small glimpse of what my existence for the past 300-something days has been like. The happiest moment of my day is when Julie & Julia finally reaches its end and I... well, I can't always express how I feel in words. But maybe I can, in song?

*me thinking to myself: you know what this blog needs more of? 
bad singing! everybody loves bad singing! it's foolproof!*

But yeah, that's essentially how I close out each and every viewing of Julie & Julia. With a strained Julia Child falsetto rendition of the old jazz standard, "Time After Time." You should've heard me the first couple of times--my vocal range and abilities have drastically improved since then. Just ask my roommates. They'll tell ya!

(Once they get back from the hospital, that is. Bleeding eardrums will do that to you...)


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "It gives you something you have to do every day, one day at a time."

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Day 330 - How I Imagine Someone Would React to Watching Julie & Julia for the First Time (pt. 2)

Day 330.

There are only 35 days left in the Lawrence/Julie & Julia Project, which is, I don't know, weird. And as glad as I am to be finally nearing this completely arbitrary yet incredibly meaningful point in my life, I actually don't know how everything's going to end/what I am going to do myself after this blog comes to a close. (Oh wait--PSYCHE! I'm never watching Julie & Julia again, that's what I'm gonna fucking do!)

But all jokes aside, let us continue our journey back into the past--or rather, How I Imagine Someone Would React to Watching Julie & Julia for the First Time (pt. 2).

1:00 - The romantic chemistry between Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci really is quite something. I could honestly watch these two talk about food all day long.

1:02 - Oh wow! A surprise wedding! I mean, I know we've only known Julia's sister Dorothy for about 5 minutes, but this wedding to Ivan Cousins surely was a delight and not at all a tangent from the mains storyline!

1:04 - An interesting discussion of McCarthyism--exactly what I wanted from my light-hearted culinary comedy-dramas.



1:07 - The genesis of Mastering the Art of French Cooking! What a historical moment! So exciting!

1:09 - Hahahahaha, Dan Akyroyd's Julia Child impression on SNL. What a riot! I wish more filmmakers would insert full SNL sketches in the middle of their movies, amirite?

1:10 - Oh no! Julie, wake up! The stew's gonna burn! Wake up, wake up, wake up!

1:15 - Real-life marginally famous historical figure alert! The author of the Joy of Cooking, Irma Roumbauer!! Scenes like this really add to the overall hilarious tone of this movie.


1:25 - Louisette is such a flake. Get outta here, you krazy woman! This cookbook's only big enough for two real authors.

1:28 - Paul was gay this entire time?!?! Uhwwhaaaaaa??? Gawsh, so many exciting twists and turns! Was Julie & Julia directed my M. Night Shyamalan (pre-Lady in the Water)?

1:31 - Ugh, I can't stand the fact that Julie and Eric are fighting--IF THESE TWO CAN'T MAKE IT, THEN NO ONE CAN.

1:36 - Oh, is this movie still going on? I'm sorry, I thought it would've been over by now.

1:42 - I got hungry so I left to go fix myself a sandwich. Turkey and swiss on whole wheat bread. The pickles just make the whole thing click though.

1:49 - Wow, this movie is really dragging. Time to make myself another sammich.

1:54 - Seriously? You guys are still fighting? I mean, I liked you enough in the beginning but now I don't know--just like, stop.


1:59 - Awww, that's just... simply delightful. A little long as far as running time, Julie & Julia, but I could definitely see myself watching this movie again.



Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Help yourself. The tapenade is marvelous." 

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day 329 - How I Imagine Someone Would React to Watching Julie & Julia for the First Time (pt. 1)

Day 329.

It's been quite awhile since my very first viewing of Julie & Julia--I barely remember it at all. But I guess that doesn't really matter, you know, since every viewing of Julie & Julia I've had since has been extensively cataloged on "the Internet."

But anyway, I thought it'd be an interesting experiment if I tried to go into the 329th viewing of Julie & Julia with the mentality of someone who's never seen the movie before. The results (pt. 1) are as follows:

0:02 - Oh, this is rather nice, this whole period piece atmosphere. And it's set in France! What could be better? I'm sure ready for a delightful sure-to-be-uninterrupted romp through the life of notable fascinating person, Julia Child.

0:04 - I guess we're in present day now. Interesting--let's see where this goes. Amy Adams is a great actress. I'm sure that whatever character she plays, I will find her likable. Also, her husband looks vaguely familiar, but I can't quite put my finger on it...
0:06 - Oh wow, they're using 9/11 as a backdrop for this modern-day culinary drama. I'm curious as to where this is headed--a fulfilling conclusion about how even in the bleakest of times, cooking brings people together, hopefully.

0:08 - Mmmmm, food. Gee whiz, this movie looks delicious!

0:10 - Julie's friends sure don't strike me as all that likable. I'm sure there's a good reason for including these cartoonish female characterizations though. One that they'll probably elaborate upon later.

0:15 - This black and white footage of Julia Child is ever so charming. I could watch this all day!
0:17 - Ahhhh, so this is what Julie Powell is going to do--start a blog about Julia Child! What a unique and original idea! It's all starting to fit together. I can't wait to see where this goes!

0:21 - Hahahahaha, Julia Child makin' hats. What a novel concept!

0:25 - Old people in love are the cutest things everrrrrr.

0:26 - Oh my! That IS a lot of butter. How funny and charming! I could not agree more. There really isn't anything better than butter! I could listen to people go on and on about the merits of butter until my ears fall off!

0:29 - This movie's really turning out to be quite the educational experience for me. I just learned how to poach an egg! Looks simple, I might just try it out tomorrow!

0:32 - Man, I really hope Julia Child excels in this cooking class--as the only woman there, this could prove to be a major conflict going forwards.

0:34 - Actually, nevermind. Conflict resolved. Julia is a fantastic chef! Hooray!

0:36 - Julia Child was a spy? How interesting! I wonder if the movie is going to talk more about that. I sure hope so.

0:41 - OMG, lobsters have never been funnier in the history of cinema! "Lobster Killer" LOL INSTANT CLASSIC

0:44 - Happy Birthday Julie! I'm so happy that your husband gave you pearls--so fitting!

0:46 - Oh wow, this blog thing is really picking up steam. That's just great for you, Julie. You really deserve it!

0:48 - Julia just made some new friends in the ladies' room! I wonder who they are?

0:50 - Man, I really don't like that Madame Broussard character. What an evil lady, right? I can't wait until her and Julia have a big Iron Chef-style cookoff at the end. I'm glad this is shaping up to be the main conflict in the movie.
0:53 - Trouble in paradise for Julie Powell? Fascinating. I wonder how they'll resolve this marital conflict.

0:56 - Oh, so Julia's cooking with the ladies she met in the bathroom! And they're teaching classes, cool! Maybe the rest of this movie will deal with her years teaching Americans how to cook French food in France. How crazy would that be?

0:57 - JANE LYNCH, is that you? Oh mah gawd, could this movie possibly get any better?!?

Find out tomorrow, when we get to part 2 of "How I Imagine Someone Would React to Watching Julie & Julia for the First Time."


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "And your editor loves it." 

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 328 - Julie & Julia Reimagined: As Deaf Mutes

Day 328.

Time to re-imagine Julie & Julia again! This time, as deaf mutes!

Julie & Julia stand next to each other in the kitchen.

Julia: ...
Julia: ...
Julia: ...
Julie: ...

Julie trips and falls into the open oven.



Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Jack Donovan, this is my wife, Julia."

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Day 327 - Julie & Julia Slowed Down x0.5

Day 327.

Yesterday, I had the brilliant idea of watching Julie & Julia sped up twice as fast as usual. So naturally, today I decided it was only right to watch it twice as slow. I figured "Hey, if I get to reap the benefits of speeding through one viewing of J&J, I guess I'm going to have to deal with the consequences later. Let me tell you--one hour of Julie & Julia is great, four hours is HELL.

This was a horrible, horrible idea.

Worst 4 hours of my life. No joke. And what do I have to show for this little experiment?

1 Hour Sped-Up Julie & Julia + 4 Hours Slowed-Down Julie & Julia = 5 Hours Julie & Julia
2 Hours Julie & Julia + 2 Hours Julie & Julia = 4 Hours Julie & Julia

5 Hours Julie & Julia > 4 Hours Julie & Julia

Despite my Asian roots, I was never all that good at maths--clearly.


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Well, it's true."

Friday, October 21, 2011

Day 326 - Julie & Julia, Sped Up x2

Day 326.

One of the worst parts about doing this blog is that every day, I have to spend TWO HOURS watching Julie & Julia. Wait, actually--that's the only part of this blog. But today, I had the rare stroke of genius (as opposed to my regular J&J-induced strokes) to watch this movie twice as fast as it usually is. That's right, folks. JULIE & JULIA SPED UP X2!

I know that a lot of you might consider this "cheating," but you know what? I've earned this. I've earned the right to essentially fast forward through this terrible, terrible film. And the extra hour I saved today is going to be the greatest hour of my life (read: the greatest hourlong masturbation session of my life).

And if you're curious, Julie & Julia sped up x2 was also hilarious. I didn't think Julie could sound anymore chipmunky, but I was proven wrong today. See for yourself.

So that was definitely the most fun viewing of Julie & Julia I've had in awhile, mostly because it was so short (relatively speaking). It's a good thing I'm in high spirits now, because I guess I'm going to have to watch Julie & Julia slowed down x2 tomorrow... I guess that means, 4 hours of Julie & Julia.

Or I could stab out my own eyes. Yeah, I'll just do that.


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "I know. I'm learning. I'm trying. I'm really..."

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 325 - Disposable Camera

Day 325.

I feel sorry for this lady in the Smithsonian with the disposable camera.

I mean, she doesn't seem like a inherently sad lady. She just seems like a lady who uses a disposable camera is all. Not that there's anything sad about that.

But like, c'mon lady--this is the 21st century. Why the fuck are you still using that disposable camera? You're at THE SMITHSONIAN! I'm sure you will have more than 27 photos to shoot! Invest in a memory card!

Seriously, it's 2011. What's a fucking point-and-shoot at the local Wal-Mart really gonna run ya? 15 bucks, that's what. Even Not Mark Ruffalo can afford one!

That's right--walk away, bitch. Walk away.

A disposable camera for a disposable woman.


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Especially if it's a loose sort of mass like..."

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 324 - Nice Bra

Day 324. 

Hey Sarah, what's that you're wearing on your head? You know, that little hat thing? I guess I've never really questioned it before, but well, I just gotta ask.

I just don't get it--is it a real hat? Or did you make it? and if you made it, well, I'm curious--what material did you did you make out out of?

Did you make it out of a bra? Like one-half of a bra? You know, just one cup. One bra cup. One beige 38DD bra cup. Is that what you used to make that hat?


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Wrist, easy. Leave the thumb here."

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 323 - Random Actor Tuesday: Curly Redhead Dinner Guest

Day 323.

Curly Redhead Dinner Guest, Today's Random Actor Tuesday, doesn't really have much to do in her Julie & Julia scene. In fact, she only has one line--"Really?" which is in response to Julie's line about how Julia was a virgin when she met Paul.

Anywho, that isn't all that interesting. What IS interesting, however, is whether or not this Curly Redhead Dinner Guest is making eyes at our boy/Julie's husband Not Mark Ruffalo. The evidence is undeniable!

Getting a little cozy there, aren'tcha, Curly Redhead Dinner Guest? And though Julie doesn't appear to have picked up on this incredible sexual tension between the two, I sure have. Either that, or I'm just making up these intricate romantic subplots between insignificant characters (NMR included) in order to deal with my immense boredom. Either way, this devious redhead is a major homewrecking slut.

Or maybe I totally misread the signals... maybe she was just making those eyes at NMR to make Eric Sheffer Stevens over here jealous. And the plot thickens! Actually, it doesn't look like it worked.



Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "Let's give this a shot here."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Day 322 - Director's Commentary Commentary (pt. 6)

Day 322. 

Apparently, no one was a fan of yesterday's brief Nora Ephron/New York Times post. I guess you guys not only want me to watch Julie & Julia every day, but also expect me to spend time on these writings and make some jokes or something... Well, I hear yah! Time to redeem myself! Presenting part six of the always crowd-pleasing Julie & Julia director's commentary commentary, wherein I muse upon Nora Ephron's increasingly incoherent ramblings. Here are parts one, two, three, four and five for reference.


Nora Ephron's Director's Commentary in bold.  
My Director's Commentary Commentary in italics.

This scene is our attempt to reproduce a famous, famous store in Paris called the E. Dehillerin. I’m sure I’m pronouncing it wrong, but it’s a store where I bought my copper pots in 1964 and where Julia bought all her copper pots in the 1950s. It’s a way more exciting store than this location, but we didn’t have the extra time to shoot there in Paris.

I am 63% sure she is pronouncing it wrong. But then again, I am 100% sure that I have no idea how to speak French. Copper pots though--those are interesting--IF YOU'RE A 70-YEAR-OLD WOMAN (which Nora Ephron happens to be).

And the owner of the store gave everyone who, all the Americans who shopped there a charge account so they all bought way more in the way of copper pots than they meant to.

I just hate it when that happens--like, you leave for the copper pot store, thinking that you're only going to get one or two copper pots, but then you come home with like 10 copper pots and you're all like, "What just happened? Why did I buy all these copper pots? I don't need this many copper pots!!"

"Madame Child, I must tell you, you have no real talent for cooking. But the Americans will never know the difference."

This is exactly what Madame Broussard said to Julia Child. They just absolutely hated one another—God knows why.

God may know why, but he sure ain't tellin' no one. I suspect it was due to B.O.

Aspics are something that… that I always think they should remove from the, ongoing editions of the Julia Child cookbook , because they simply are not worth printing recipes for. I happen to have a fondness for Jell-O and tomato aspic, but who are we kidding? Nobody really wants to eat an aspic, much less make one.

Nora's actually kind of charming here. I mean, "Jell-O and tomato aspic?" Gross, but hilarious! This is the first time I actually feel some sort of connection with her--bonding over our mutual hatred of aspics. Life's funny that way.

This phone call really was… the first time that… that Julie Powell realized… that… people actually… that something might happen.. some little… whatever dream she had when she started writing this blog… um… this was the first… phone call from the world of… of I guess, what we call old media.

Nora Ephron just really has no enthusiasm for these Julie sections. And it's soooo transparent. Or maybe I'm misreading that--yeah, no, it's more like she doesn't even understand what this "internet" thing is. I mean, she does use the term "old media," after all. It's more like she cannot even grasp the reason why half of this movie is about a blogger. That makes two of us.

This is one of my favorite moments in this movie… coming up. No one ever notices it, but me and our brilliant editor Richie Marx. But it’s where we start to establish that—and we get to it very quickly—that Louisette Bertholle, didn’t quite share as much… in the collaboration as everyone wished that she would… um…

No one ever notices, eh Nora? WELL I NOTICED. Didn't count on anyone watching your movie 322 times now, didja? Well, look who's got egg all over their face now, bitch?!? 

(Me. It's still me. Always me.)

Helen is playing her just a tiny bit… you know, she’s the only one drinking wine before the class begins and then she doesn’t quite move the table. And then she says, “Can I help?” after they’re finished doing it, which is what always breaks me and Ritchie up, even though it’s probably in the script—I have no idea.

Wait, she doesn't know whether or not that little moment is in the script? Didn't she write the script? Yeah, I'm pretty sure she wrote this script. Or at least it came out of her anus, y'know, when she diarrhea'd it out. Seriously though, if she in fact WROTE the script, shouldn't she HAVE AN IDEA of whether or not something is in it? Troubling.

Susan Spungen says this is one of her proudest moments. This is a tart tatin, the famous upside-down apple tart. Here it is, completely gorgeous.

I have no idea who Susan Spungen is, but sure. Someone out there probably cares that this is one of her proudest moments.

We scouted a train station in Paris and… got an estimate that it would cost about a half a million dollars to shoot there for a half a day. And this train station, believe it or not, is in Hoboken, New Jersey. And it did not cost a half a million dollars.

It cost FIVE million dollars!

Of course this is the great Jane Lynch, whom I’ve wanted to work with for years and years and years and one of the great comic actresses. I bumped into her one night... at umm, premiere of a Christopher Guest movie—she’s in a lot of his movies and took one look at her and thought, oh, she had to play Meryl’s sister.

There she is! Name-droppin' Nora, back in action.

 Julia’s sister Dorothy was in fact 6’4”, even taller than Julia.

Nora is also obsessed with heights. Or at least, she enjoys talking about them. It's just this thing she does when she has nothing else to say. Which is a lot of the time.

I remember my first brie… very clearly which I had in 1962 when I was 21 years old and had one of those “Where has this been all my life?” moments and I really wanted that to feel like this for… Dorothy and to get the… to get across the concept of how one becomes such a cheerleader for food as Julia did.

Oh, that's so interesting. I remember my first brie too! The memory isn't very clear.... it was like, 1999 or maybe 2003? Somewhere around there. I was either 5 years old... or maybe it was 28 years old. Oh wait, that's not right, silly me--maybe it was 2006... no, that was the year of my first Muenster. Anyways, yeah, my first brie! 

It was totally unremarkable.

And this whole riff on Beurre blanc is, is the kind of thing that you write and you think “Oh god, I hope this gets into the movie but it might not,” but then Meryl and Stanley do it and it gets to stay.

Again, I just don't understand. She is the WRITER AND DIRECTOR of this film. Doesn't she have final say of what gets into this movie? I mean, its a bloated 2 hours. I'd be surprised if they cut anything at all. What if Nora Ephron has split personality disorder and one personality wrote and directed the Julia half and the other wrote and directed the Julie half. Boom! Theory, hatched.


And just like that... we're halfway through the Julie & Julia director's commentary commentary! It's crunch time, people! Buckle up, it's gonna be a meandering ride.


Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "You don't have to bite my head off."