Thursday, April 28, 2011

Day 150 - Julie & Julia Reimagined: As Beavers

Day 150.

Today was a big day. It was the day that Casey Abrams (my favorite contestant) got voted off American Idol. It was the day of the 2011 NFL draft (possibly the last football-related thing we'll see in a year). It was Steve Carell's/Michael Scott's last day on The Office (I shed a single tear). But most importantly, it is Day 150 of my yearlong quest to watch the movie Julie & Julia 365 times.

150 days. More than 300 hours. That must be some sort of milestone, right? Wrong. That's barely over 40% of the way there. Fuck me.

Ugh.

***

In the past, I've re-envisioned what Julie & Julia would've been like starring Mexicans, dinosaurs, and robots. So the next logical progression would be to imagine how different Julie & Julia would be if every character was a beaver.

Beavers.

Julie and Eric Beaver sit in the living room of their dam.

Julie Beaver: Close the dam door, Eric! This branch stew is getting cold.

Eric Beaver: Branch stew again? Goddammit, Julie. I thought this blogging thing wood force you to cook better food.

Julie Beaver: What "blogging" thing? Don't you mean logging thing?

Eric Beaver: Ah. ha. ha. ha. You're so clever I just want to pelt you with beaver kisses.

Julie Beaver: Seriously though. What the hell is a "blog?" In case you haven't noticed, Eric, we're fucking beavers. We know nothing of the internet. We don't even have thumbs.

Eric Beaver: Oh. Right.

Julie Beaver: Seriously, sometimes you just make me so... so angry!

Awkwardly shoehorning references to 90s Nickelodeon shows into blog posts is my specialty.

***

Julia Beaver sits at her beaver typewriter, beaver typing away at the beaver keys.

Julia Beaver: Dear Avis DeBeaver, I am in my third week at Le Cordon Shrew and I'm in utter bliss. Every morning the sun rises at 6:30 and I gnaw on the front door for a good half hour. By 7:30, I'm in beaver class and we are as busy as... well, us! My teacher, Mr. Woodchuck, sometimes moves so fast that I can hardly keep up with how much wood he chucks. I mean if you could just see this guy waste all of these oaks--you'd think wood grows on trees or something! But I'm way ahead of all the others in the class, all of them dirty muskrats, and all of them unfriendly--until they discovered I was Beaver-licious!

Paul Beaver suddenly bursts into the room, holding a log in his paw.

Paul Beaver: Honey, I'm home! Aaaaand... I've got wood for you!

Julia Beaver smiles widely, her bucktooth grin spanning all the way across her beaver face. She repeatedly pounds the dam floor with her tail and shows Paul her beaver... I mean, herself. Yeah, she presents herself to her husband in a totally non-sexual way... Shit, I hope kids aren't reading this.

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Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "You don't need a diploma to teach."

6 comments:

  1. I really BEAVER enjoyed those BEAVER puns.
    now to go listen to some JUSTIN BEAVER

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  2. love it.
    As your biggest Canadian fan (i hope) I totally approve of this post. did you know one of our national symbols is a beaver?
    (trust me. i totally know the other meaning)
    Also, I used to work for a newspaper called the Beaver.

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  3. Too bad you're clearly not a How I Met Your Mother fan, because they had an entire episode dedicated to dirty beaver-related sexual innuendos. It was hysterical, just like this post.

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  4. Literally, the funniest thing ever

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  5. By 7:30 I'm in beaver class and we're as busy as -- well -- us! this post very very funny : )

    ReplyDelete