Like most normal human beings, I dream about things when I sleep. But unlike most normal human beings, I dream about Julie & Julia.
|Not Mark Ruffalo dreams that he is Mark Ruffalo|
It's not uncommon when day-to-day life occurrences seep through to your dreams--it's just that day-to-day life occurrences usually happen to involve Julie & Julia. And I really don't like that. I mean, I already have to live through 2 hours of this crap every day, so when I go to bed, I just want to dream about other things--fantasy women, women I know fulfilling my fantasies, an occasional well-groomed man (not in like, a gay way, or anything...), other movies, etc. You know, I can't even watch other movies anymore. Why can't I just dream the entirety of True Grit? Is that so much to ask?
Well, for some reason I thought you guys would appreciate some retellings of these Julie & Julia dreams, so I decided to keep something resembling a "dream journal" by my bed. You know, so I could jot these down right after they happened so I didn't forget them. I realize I sound like some sort of pre-teen girl, but whatever--I do it all for you.
Please enjoy these completely nonsensical dream transcripts, completely unedited and unfiltered from when I wrote them in a half-conscious state:
DREAM #1: I am sitting at a table the science building of my old high school, struggling to finish some kind of homework. All of a sudden, old bio teacher [name redacted] starts strangling me with some sort of strangle wire. I choke and look up at Meryl Streep as Julia Child, who berates me for eating too many pickles. She turns into my friend's dog.
|Where I was strangled and berated for pickle consumption.|
DREAM #2: Trapped in some sort of monitored military complex. They claim that there’s freedom, but in reality there are guards that surround the occupants’ apartments 24/7, woman carrying man’s baby on the other side of the complex, man tries to get over there, shot by random kid I knew in high school [name redacted]. The man is Stanley Tucci. I ask him why he is not bleeding cuz he just got shot and should be bleeding. He explains that he is not bleeding and I nod in agreement.
|Stan Tucci does not fucking bleed. Bleeding is for mortals.|
DREAM #3: Spiderman is trying to escape from some kind of government holding facility (U.S. Embassy?) in the Paris of Julie & Julia. Meets up with glowing ripped Indian mutant guy who will be more powerful than spiderman if you don’t kill him now. Spider man webslings away. He disappears and I ask Indian mutant why he didn't websling on the Eiffel tower. Indian guy is not there anymore.
|Spiderman is nowhere in sight.|
DREAM #4: I am in a snow-covered field with a girl that I like and a bunch of deer cross the valley/trench in front of me. I climb up on the girl's back piggyback style and we attempt to fly away to Chicago. We struggle at first this way and that, wobbling as though there is turbulence but finally stabilize. The girl is now Not Mark Ruffalo. I am weirdly okay with it.
|Why am I always the woman in these scenarios?|
DREAM #5: I am in a gang and we're confronting the rival gang in our headquarters. Chick shows up late and shoots rival gang with sludge or something. No effect. We have to trap them in our own headquarters which we do, but the rival gang finds some red slime that the professor had been working on and eats it. 4th rival gang member doesn’t want to eat it, but they force him to. They all mutate into these slimy spiky water-based green creatures. Heads inflate. They are much stronger but very unstable. Swat team arrives and the mutants are still locked in. no matter, as 2 slime creatures try to bust through the door, they are told to step aside as the other slime creature busts through the door with a stolen motorcycle. They defeat the swat team and go after the group. (Note: This dream has nothing to do with Julie & Julia, but it was just super vivid and badass)
|Their heads looked something like that.|
So yeah... I hope you all enjoyed that journey into my bizarre psyche. And please, feel free to read into those as you will, especially #4. I'm sure there is much psychoanalysis to be done, but I'll leave that up to you guys.
Julie & Julia Quote of the Day: "All I think about is food and then I dream about it at night."