Sunday, April 10, 2011

Day 132 - Julierotica (Chapter One)

Day 132.

Avid readers of the Lawrence/Julie & Julia Project are no doubt familiar with the Julie & Julia erotica fan fic that I've been working on in my free time. And I'm sure most of you thought I was just kidding about that, so here's where I get to revel in telling you--I was not kidding.

I was truly inspired by the film.

A word of warning: Due to the nature of erotic fiction, the following excerpt of my yet-to-be-named Julie & Julia fan fic may contain imagery that some may find unpleasant and/or graphic. Reader discretion is advised. Also, it might get you super, super horny.

A final plea: Please, don't judge me. I'm only giving the readers what they (secretly) want!

***

Untitled Julie & Julia-Themed Erotica Novel:
Chapter One - One Night in Paris

“Oh… my goodness,” she said, with the delightfully airy inflection that Paul had come to know all too well. “You have to taste this. Here.” As Julia shoveled a piece of the cod filet into to her husband’s mouth, Paul could only think of what else they’d be feeding each other in the hours to come. Julia struggled to put how she felt into words.

“I mean…it’s…”
“I know.”
“But I’m…”
“I know. I know. I know,” Paul reassured her.



***

Julia crooned again. “Aaa-aa-aah… BUTTER!” The apartment shook with the roar of a caged lioness, separated from the cubs that she could never have. Paul climbed over his wife’s gigantic 8-foot frame and pressed his finger up against her lips. “Shhhhhh—ut up,” he whispered gently into her ear. They had been at this for almost five hours now. It was their first night in Paris and oh, how it was going to be a night to remember. “I’m going to butter your bread so hard tonight, baby,” Paul said, as he mounted his wife, preheating her oven to 400 degrees. He kissed her again, removed her dressings, and boned her like a duck—making a deep slit from the neck down, exposing her backbone in the process. “Oh, Paul!” she wailed, as he pulled her flesh this way and that.

Paul lifted one leg and swung himself off of her. He pulled out, his German sausage dripping wet with savory juices—Julia hadn’t skimped on the spices tonight. She moaned in disappointment, but Paul silenced her with a deep kiss, their tongues dancing around each other like sautéed mushrooms on a red-hot skillet (best when not crowded).


“You know how they say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?” Julia asked. “Harrummfph,” Paul snorted in reply, exhausted from their passionate lovemaking and extensive foreplay, which involved every cured meat you could dream of. “Well, that’s bullshit,” she said. “The quickest way to a man’s heart is his through his stiff cock.” Julia picked up her husband with one arm, stood him up straight and reached down into the depths of his trousers, yanking on his limp cannelloni with a ferocity that could only be described as “Johnny Sparks-esque.”

The first hot spurt of olive oil hit her face, cooling immediately as it rolled down her chin.

“Bon appétit,” Paul said with a dastardly grin on his face.
“Bon appétit,” Julia replied.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Julie & Julia
Quote of the Day: "How do you know this lingo?"

29 comments:

  1. Well.... cooking with olive oil will have a new and uncomfortable meaning. Perhaps for the next week I should fry things in vegatable oil instead.

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  2. The whole way through I was picturing this very literally, like some kind of Salvador Dali painting. Two giant, distorted figures stretching and bending each other, with food and cooking implements inexplicably fused into their bodies.

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  3. i think i might be in love with you.

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  4. that was gross. really gross. I'm actually super offended. Can you not install another one of these? Thank you.

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  5. that was hilarious xD but i think i may throw up...

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  6. Please, no more!!! :(

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  7. I feel so dirty... I loved it.

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  8. Huge huge huge huge fan. So funny. Laughed out loud in class (again) while I read! Keep it going!

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  9. hahahahahhahahah "Chapter One". THERE'S MORE TO COME (cum?)

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  10. most controversial post. I'd be surprised if it didn't make CNN

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  11. this was hilarious!!

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  12. Inspired. Also, I like that everyone is anonymous. As in, we're too chicken to actually admit that we like this.

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  13. Person who said they'd be surprised if this didn't make CNN: prepare to be surprised.

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  14. Taking food porn to the next level, Lawrence, LOVE IT!!

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  15. I'm actually really offended that some people are really offended! Get a sense of humor!

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