Saturday, February 26, 2011

Day 89 - The 1st Annual Julie/Julia Awards

Day 89.

I told you I would wear a tux! (This is definitely not a photoshopped high school prom picture.) 

Good evening and welcome everyone, to The 1st Annual Julie/Julia Awards!!! 

Well, technically, it's going to be the only Julia/Julia Awards because, to be frank, I don't plan on doing this ever again. But regardless, we're here tonight not only to honor the achievements of everyone involved in the 2009 culinary drama Julie & Julia, but also, the many immortal elements of the movie itself. I'm your host, Lawrence Dai, the 5th most read ironic Julie & Julia blogger on the internet and I'm happy to be here, having just finished by 89th viewing of the aforementioned modern classic. Now, at this point in my monologue, I had planned on pointing out celebrities in the audience and making jokes about them--unfortunately, none of the celebrities I invited to my dorm tonight showed up. Really, Chris "Not Mark Ruffalo" Messina?? You were so busy doing what that you couldn't make it tonight? Fuck you, sir. 

Enough unfunny awards show banter. Ladies and gentlemen, The 1st Annual Julie/Julia Awards. The nominees for...

Best Actor who Resembles Mark Ruffalo
Chris Messina (a.k.a. Not Mark Ruffalo)
Mark Ruffalo

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Mark Ruffalo!!!

Mark Ruffalo's celebrity look-alike is Mark Ruffalo. There's only a 90% resemblance though.

Best Scene in Julie & Julia
Every Meryl Streep Sex Scene
Meryl Streep Gets Book Deal

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Every Meryl Streep Sex Scene!!!

Every Meryl Streep Sex Scene could not be here tonight.
Accepting on its behalf, is this Meryl Streep Sex Scene

Best Meal in Julie & Julia
Bruschetta
Artichokes with Hollandaise Sauce
Poached Eggs

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Chocolate Creme Pie Filling!!!

No, not that one.
THIS ONE.

Best Foodgasm Scene


Fishgasm
Buttered Artichokegasm
Stiff Cockgasm
Judith Jonesgasm
NMR Eating Shitgasm

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Stiff Cockgasm!!!

Darndest Thing Julie Says

"I thought eggs were going to be greasy and slimy, but it tastes like... cheese sauce."
"I have this fantasy that she [Julia Child] comes for dinner and I show her my new lemon zester. We become very close."
"Is there anything better than butter?"
"Like, if I didn't write, they [my readers] would be really upset."
"I'm dying to meet her [Julia Child]. I would like to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in 1946."

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... "I have this fantasy that she [Julia Child] comes for dinner and I show her my new lemon zester. We become very close"!!!

Things that sound dirty, but aren't:
"Show me your lemon zester, Amy Adams."

Best Julie Powell Bitchface

Bruschettface
"I looked fat" face
BLOGFACE
Lobsterface
Boning Duckface
And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Bruschettface!!!

Best Actor
Stanley Tucci (Noted Pedophile)
George Bartieneff (Colonel Sanders)
Eric Sheffer Stevens (Gay PayPal Guy)
Roy William Gardner (Mr. Three Name)
Johnny Sparks (Johnny Sparks!) 

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Stanley Tucci!!!

This pedophile edged out Johnny Sparks by one vote!
Best Actress
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep
Amy Adams

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Meryl Streep!!!

Presumed frontrunners Meryl Streep and Meryl Streep split the Academy vote,
leaving little-known actress Meryl Streep to score Julie/Julia gold.

Best Picture

Julie & Julia
The Julia SNL skit from Julie & Julia
Just the Julia parts from Julie & Julia
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (referenced by Not Mark Ruffalo in the scene where they discuss deadlines)

And the Julie/Julia Award goes to... Just the Julia parts from Julie & Julia!!!

If only, if only...

And that's it, folks! Thanks to all my readers for checking in and voting on the lists of nominees. Congratulations to all the winners, who will each receive a gift basket full of stale muffins and signed photos of myself. I just need your addresses first. Did you hear that, Meryl? If you want a muffin basket, you're going to have to give me your contact information.

Oh, and fuck you, Not Mark Ruffalo.

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Julie & Julia Quote of the Day: "Congratulations!" "Thank you, guys."
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18 comments:

  1. this was one of my favorite posts of yours! it was actually exciting for me lol and i liked the photoshopped picture of you :)

    ReplyDelete

  2. Meryl Streep should have taken everything home. Including you.
    Same for Stanley Tucci, that rapist. Love him.

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  4. Best award show ever! Quick and to the point, if only the real Oscars were like this and not 7 hours long. Loved it! You have to do another awards show.

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  5. Building on what Cristina said, I think the folks running the Oscars should *hire* you, if only to condense the seven hour ego fest into a snappy two hour shindig. They could have a runner in the aisles with a mic for people to blather on with their thank yous, and a little catapult on the stage to launch the statues to the winners. I'd watch that version.

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  6. What accounting firm counted the votes? I personally think Eric Sheffer Stevens was cheated. Everyone knows he is far more talented than the pedophile or Johnny Sparks...

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  7. Personally I'm waiting for next year's awards, when there will be a highly unlikely possibility we'll see Meryl's daughter nominated for a TV best actress for her role in Off The Map. If it isn't canceled by then. But if it is canceled, she could grow up and eventually star in the Julie & Julia re-make. How cool would that be? Now Amy Adams needs to have a daughter, STAT.

    ReplyDelete

  8. how is it possible that every damn post of your makes me laugh?!??! best line ever:

    Really, Chris "Not Mark Ruffalo" Messina?? You were so busy doing what that you couldn't make it tonight? Fuck you, sir.

    ReplyDelete

  9. haha, can't fight the urged to laugh while reading your post. Love the Bruschettface of Julia. And it isn't really obvious that you love Meryl Streep, eh. I love her too!

    Thanks for sharing, eh
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    ReplyDelete

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